Headline: "United Church of Canada takes bold new initiative!"
ETOBICOKE -- Citing "fiduciary responsibilities and "generally accepted accounting principles" The United Church of Canada today embarked on a dramatic shift in emphasis.
"We were faced with an un-avoidable question," stated General Secretary Scrooge McDuck. "Were we going to continue to speak with an authentic and passionate voice for human rights, justice and care of creation, or were we going to make money?"
For years, The United Church of Canada has held stock in Goldcorp, a Canadian mining company with a reputation for human rights abuses and environmental disasters in the developing world. Justice advocates both within and outside the church have pointed out the hypocrisy in maintaining these investments while continuing to put forward a justice agenda. Today, The United Church of Canada echoed the Tom Cruise movie character "Jerry Maguire" and said, "show me the money!"
The United Church of Canada Pension Plan holds $1.2 billion with a $35 million surplus. While Goldcorp only makes up 1% of the portfolio, Pension Board governors insist that Goldcorp is vital to the integrity of the Plan and can not be sold.
"We’ve made the choice to return to our core values," says McDuck, "property maintenance and investment management."
The United Church of Canada has more franchises than Tim Horton’s and is poised to exercise a virtual monopoly on the multi-million dollar Canadian property maintenance business. "We’re able to keep over 3000 historic properties open through the use of volunteer labour," states McDuck, "how hard will it be to dust and vacuum a modern office building or apartment complex?"
Spokespersons for Property Maintenance giant "Dusting R Us" refused comment but are said to be deeply concerned.
The United Church of Canada Property and Investing Group (UCC-PIG) is poised for an IPO that will rival Google’s first day on the New York Stock Exchange.
All staff members in the United Church’s Justice, Global and Ecumenical Relations division were immediately terminated. Non-disclosure agreements were signed before severance packages were finalized, but one brave soul shouted, "John 11:35!" before being hustled into a blacked-out van and being driven to an undisclosed location.
All attempts to decipher this strange, alpha-numeric code were unsuccessful. A Google search for "John 11:35" returned the error code "404, location not found."
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Facebook friend Sandy wrote:
ReplyDeleteHoly Mackerel, was this your Flashforward of the future, don't you love my use of pop culture, I must be really hip/cool...
I loved this piece, though I have to confess I wonder how close to this 'vision' we truly are, with the events of the last few years, I would say that we are pretty close. If we want to be the church that proclaims the Good News, it's time for the church to embrace the vision of Archbishop Oscar Romero
“A Church that doesn’t provoke any crises, a Gospel that doesn’t unsettle, a Word of God that doesn’t get under anyone’s skin, a Word of God that doesn’t touch the real sin of the society in which it is proclaimed – what Gospel is that?”
Facebook friend Betsy says, "I thought we asked them to unload Goldcorp years ago. No? As for the properties, wait ten years and half will have been sold. Wait fifteen, and two-thirds will have been unloaded. The crisis is coming!!"
ReplyDeleteFacebook friend Rob says, "Glad to hear the Church has finally got its priorities straight. All this mission nonsense has been a terrible drain on resources for decades."
ReplyDeleteRoland says "Disturbing news! Who makes the decisions about who the United Church invests in?"
ReplyDeleteFacebook friend Linda says, "HI David. I don't quite understand the whole blog. Is it like Revelation? Is it in code and certain people "know who they are"?"
ReplyDeleteMy reply: "Um... no? I'm just a little mystified at how hard it seems to be to apply United Church ethical investing guidelines to our own Pension Plan. Instead of just doing it, the Pension Board continues to insist that it's their (fiduciary) responsibility to continue to hold Goldcorp shares, because if they don't, one of us will sue them for not making enough money."